Showing posts with label sarcasm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sarcasm. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Obama To Save Millions of Jobs; Hamas to Save Millions of Israelis

Over at The Minority Report, Mike DeVine says:

Obama first promised to create 2 million jobs in two years, then said he would create or “save” three million. Currently, over 154 million Americans are employed. We do not believe that even the disastrous policies of Obama and the Democrats will force more than 151 million out of work. At the end of 2009 and even 2010, more than three million jobs will have been “saved”.


Similarly, by having such keen grasp of the military arts, the geniuses at Hamas have cleverly avoided hitting very many Israelis with the hundreds of rockets they have fired at Israel. Thus, in a display of unprecedented liberality, they have spared millions of Israelis.

And yet, still I side with Israel.


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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Take the Day Off

You've got a bunch of voting to do, and a lot of identities to keep track of. So don't let a little thing like a job get in your way. Tell your boss the Republicans in the shop can handle the business for the day -- they do so most days anyway.

You've got to vote yourself some bread and circuses.


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Friday, June 13, 2008

Barry Facts -- Obama Family Edition

Barack Obama's parents met because they needed medical insurance to get to Selma.

Michelle Obama's parents met because they resented not having a personal trainer who knew the value of fresh fruit.

Jesus once had a Come To Barack moment.

When Barack Obama comes, he will make the oceans salty again.

When Barack Obama comes, children will like going to school again.

When Barack Obama comes, frog legs will taste like chicken.

When Barack Obama comes, judges will know how to write laws.

Barack Obama's uncle grandfather great uncle imaginary friend helped free Auschwitz and Treblinka Buchenwald.

Barack Obama fosters a workplace that is open and sensitive to the personal needs of staff before they are unceremoniously fired for the candidate's mistakes.

Barack Obama feels that it's important to shield his wife from criticism, which is why he asks her to make campaign speeches critical of America.

Barack Obama didn't even know Tony Rezko before they bought a house together.

Barack Obama's birth certificate doesn't say he's not a Muslim.

Barack Obama doesn't wear a helmet when he rides a limousine.


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Monday, June 02, 2008

Groups for Obama to Join ... or Not.

Barack Obama resigned his membership in Trinity United Church of Christ. Frank J wonders what groups he will leave next. Clearly some of his associations in the past have served him well at the time, but now are perhaps not generating the kind of support he'll need if he's going to defeat the Bob Barr in November. So I wonder what other groups he will now join?

  • Not MENSA (too populist)
  • Not Mothers Against Drunk Driving (too divisive)
  • He will not join Code Pink (too hawkish)
  • Will now boycott Pizza Hut (for not enough grease on their pizza)
  • Will join La Raza, because he likes the sound of reuniting
  • Will resign from the Senate for limiting their membership to 50
  • Will join U.S. Government because even though they're not spending enough, he can Change that
  • Will denounce the Red Cross for being too political
  • Will join the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR), because they're just nice people


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Thursday, May 22, 2008

In Theaters This Fall

Here is a movie trailer, like many others you'll see. Yet another Harrison Ford movie about the White House.


The problem with movie trailers is that like this one, they seem all nice and uncontroversial. All light and airy, somewhere between a romantic comedy and a Disney "Wacky Kid Detective" flick. Then you watch it, and they hit you over the head with their political message.


Do you think this one would be political? Because I hate that, and you can never tell from the trailer.


w/t Simon at Classical Values


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Saturday, May 03, 2008

Welcome, Ace Fans

Ace gave me credit for solving the mystery of the phaked Clinton '92 vid. But I just did what any other Galactic Warlord would do, reaching out over time and space with my mouse and vast command of alien technology, but mostly with my mouse, to listen to the original video someone else had found.

So have a look around. I usually post here once a day, in the CDT morning, some life-changing missal on which future historians will doubtless rely for the bulk of their work.


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Friday, August 31, 2007

Friday Official News Agency Briefing

Washington, DC (ONA):
Presidential Candidate Democrat Presumptive Nominee U.S. Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) has single-handedly rebuffed terror activity by her bold speech:

Swayed by U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton's assertions that an attack on American soil might give Republicans a political advantage going into 2008, senior Al Qaeda leaders scuttle ongoing terror blueprints until after the presidential election.

"We could have ruined everything," said Sheik Abdu Bareni al Kharbom, top-level spokesman for the terror group, via cell phone. "It's very disturbing."


The efforts of Presidential Candidate Democrat Presumptive Nominee U.S. Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton should be applauded by all red-blooded Americans, patriotic and otherwise.


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Thursday, May 31, 2007

Compassionate Conservatism

The inimitable FrankJ has come up with an international jujitsu of truly historical scope. Rather than waste manpower, resources, time, and most importantly, political wind power on trying secure the border with Mexico, Frank has found a way to turn the flood of illegal immigration into a cleansing undertow, pulling gently back to their homeland those who are not fully serious in the desire to be Americans.

Like many conservatives, Frank understands the value of immigration to America's soul, as well as the value of obedience to the rule of law, our foremost value. But his compassion shines through:

On the other hand, most illegal immigrants just came here for a better life. They had the horrible misfortune of being born in the dirt-poor and corrupt Mexico and wanted to come to America -- like any rational person. If someone truly wants to become an American, I would like to give him or her the opportunity. When immigration works best is when people have to work hard to be Americans and thus appreciate American values even more than those of us who were given our place here simply through birth.
Those words are stirring because they evoke the image of America as the Promised Land for generations of huddled masses. We are a nation of volunteers, people who have opted in to a set of ideals. In exchange for a better, more prosperous life than can be had in their native lands, we accept the rights and responsibilities of citizenship, and demand no less from our peers. Those who will not stand with us must fall before us.

Some were not volunteers, but rather are the descendants of draftees, those captured by traders in human flesh on another continent and brought here for the use of their labor, for jobs Americans would not do. It took a war bloody beyond grief to purge that evil from among us. By that blood, the former slaves can have little doubt about their country's seriousness in respecting them as fully American. It will probably take a similarly bloody effort to settle the question of illegal immigration.
If the Mexicans we have here will go and slaughter their former country men, raze the villages of their former countries, I would punch anyone in the face who would doubt their loyalty to America.
Frank, you had me at "raze". But your hyperbole is duly noted: as if you would ever "punch anyone in face".

I don't know that Frank's unlikely scenario is the solution to the problem at hand. There is sharp disagreement on the problem posed by illegal immigration, both what the problem is and its solutions are. The issue has the feel of something that can explode into violence, whether the solution is to toughen our immigration enforcement or to do away with the laws entirely. We will have to wait to find out if the violence will be as mild as Frank suggests, or as bloody as the war fought to free those who were earlier brought here to do the jobs Americans would not.


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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Just Say No to Mixed Vegetables!

Apparently the moral philosophers of Al Kaiduh cannot abide cohabitating vegetables.

Avert your eyes! Have you no shame? There are children present.


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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Oh, the Humanity

(WARNING: This may be too graphic for some. Be so advised, and I apologize in advance to those who are overcome with horror.)

As the transcript (pdf) of his Combatant Status Tribunal shows, Khalid Sheikh Muhammed alleged acolyte Mr. Mahjid (or Majid) Khan is one tough cookie. To have endured the treatment to which he has thus far been subjected and still be alive is enough, but to selflessly stand up for the rights of conspirators in mass murder and jihad sympathizers everywhere to receive name-brand personal care products is truly the stuff of legend.

Some Facts How They Are Mentally Torturing Us:

They them self use the best kind of stuff but they give us cheap branded, unscented deodorant soap to wash ourselves with. Also, same goes for shampoo, toothpaste, and deodorant, etc.

This camp gives us only twelve to fourteen pages of newsletter only once a week. Most of the stuff is crap; only few pages are worth of reading it.

In main rec no weight lifting machine, no toilet, no sink, no hoops, and even balls them self have little air in them; they hardly bounce.

In the end of January 2007, they brought us a big fan which makes noise, which makes more noise than produce air in main hall. It drives us crazy. They have since turned the fan off and I have been move to A19 on 6 April 2007. The fan itself is still there.

They know how we feel about family members. They intentionally make our ICRC mails delay - very, very delay in so call censorship issues.

We only get one our of communal rec and only one hour of main rec per day, 2 books per week, and that's it. No mind stimulations, no solitary games, no DVD players, no entertainment, and you know how small and cozy our cells are in size. It has been seven months like this, no improvement.

[REDACTED] So please, before making any decision on me, please read this report of torture and then think yourself if these people can go that far how hard it is for them to make something up, [REDACTED] I affirm these are my word and the truth as I know it.
(w/t Redstate)

We don't know, for security reasons, what is in the redacted part. Perhaps his pajamas were only imitation silk, or his lemonade had too much pulp.

These are serious charges. He is charging the United States Government with treating someone who is not covered by the Geneva Conventions as if he were.

And that would be wrong.

(Again, I apologize for the unsettling material. Truth will out, you know.)

However, on reading the rest of the transcript, another thing becomes clear. Mahjid Khan may not be guilty of anything more than being a Muslim from Pakistan. And forging immigration papers. And being an incessant whiner. With a casual acquaintance with the truth.

And without seeing the classified evidence against him, it is hard to call him an enemy combatant. As he says, he didn't threaten to blow himself up to kill the President of Pakistan, and besides, he didn't actually do it yet.


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Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Solution to Terrorism

The "homegrown terror cell" actually consisted of a half-dozen jihadists:

Six foreign-born Muslims were arrested and accused Tuesday of plotting to attack Fort Dix and slaughter scores of U.S. soldiers — a scheme the FBI says was foiled when the men asked a store clerk to copy a video of them firing assault weapons and screaming about jihad.
The clever, quick-witted clerk! Who could have put that one together?

Why is there no talk about a backlash against Muslims? After all, it's not clear what the link was between these fellows. Weren't they just hard-working immigrants out to make their way in the New World? It's hardly their fault they didn't know we would have a problem with indiscriminant mass murder on military bases.

So we must not blame these men, nor the Religion of Peace. Any day now, we'll surely hear about some non-Muslim terrorist.

Don't hold your breath.

The only solution, since banning Islam is out of the question, is to outlaw black market guns. In fact, this entire "black market" thing should be banned. From now on, all markets should be colored green. Or banned.


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