It Can Now Be Revealed

Ted Kennedy died and made the long trip South. After his many years in the Senate, he expected as much. Beelzebub greeted him, and asked which sector of Hades he would like to enter.

“Whichever one has the hottest women and the coldest Scotch”, answered the Lion of the Senate.

“OK, but that’s a long way away, in the circle for Envy”, replied the Father of Lies.

Unfamiliar with the territory and unaccustomed to making his own arrangements, the liberal royal family member ordered “Call me a car”.

“Of course, Mr. Kennedy,” Satan said, and dialed his phone. “Oh Mary Jo … our bargain is complete. Your fare is here.”

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let's Not Politiciize This One

The news out of Minnesota is grim. A major bridge across the Mississippi River has collapsed, at rush hour, with about 50 cars ending up in the river, according to initial reports. Our prayers are with the hurting.

The sight is horrific, and the venue familiar to almost anyone who has traveled the Interstate highway system. This disaster could happen at any of St Louis, Peoria, Biloxi, New York, Seattle, Miami, Louisville, Davenport,
or Pittsburgh, to name only a few. I didn't mention Oakland, because it already happened there.

But please, don't turn this into a chance to complain about how much more needs to be spent on bridges, or who is to blame, or why President Bush allowed this to happen. Don't ask the Presidential candidates for their opinions, don't blame the guy who decided that, physics being physics, the bridge was going to stay up.

Because people don't make such decisions lightly. Or at least, they won't any more.

And the first person who says the government did it is a rotten egg.

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Why not to be Nice

Sometimes, being nice is exactly the wrong thing to do.

The other morning on the way to work, I was driving down a four-lane city street. Traffic was moving along nicely, and I was almost to work. Up ahead I noticed a city crew with amber lights flashing, blocking the right-hand lane about a half block from my upcoming right turn. (It was vital that they clean out the storm drain while it was dry ... at rush hour).

I slowed to let the left lane traffic get past me, signalled, checked behind and merged left. The cars who had been behind me in the right-hand lane continued on, even accelerating. Apparently, they thought they'd get there faster that way (wherever their "there" was). That's when people started being nice, and resulting in a traffic jam.

See, instead of those in the open lane simply driving forward through the green light ahead of them, they decided to take turns. Each would let a car from the closed lane, those who had failed to take their chance to merge properly, now merge ahead of them before going ahead themselves. This of course meant that neither lane moved, and soon enough the light turned red. So we all sat there.

I've noticed this ill-considered niceness during Interstate construction season, as well. Workers close a lane to patch a pothole, placing "Reduced Speed Limit" and "Merge Left" signs miles uproad to warn the unsuspecting motorist that disaster will befall him in the form of a jail term if he fails to heed the warning and change lanes. So of course a line of SUVs forms in the right lane, at the last point before the closure, inching into the left lane. Sometimes they even have their turn signal blinking helpfully, but usually they attempt to use vehicular body English.

If everyone merged to the open lane at their earliest chance, things would go a lot smoother. But they don't.
If everyone in the open lane drove along something near the speed limit, those abusers in the closing lane would soon find an open spot into which to merge. But they don't, Instead, some people try to be Nice and "fair", allowing the abusers to merge. To be nice to that abuser, though, they have to delay their own lane, so both lanes are delayed.

Furthermore, allowing people to merge at the last minute encourages them to do just that. The result is that no one moves.

My solution on the highway is to drive astraddle the two lanes. That's right, I drive right down the center of the road, just close enough to the next car ahead in the open lane to keep people from passing me, but grabbing enough of the closed lane to force would-be abusers to pass on the shoulder. A few get past, and I don't sweat it. Most of the time a truck driver or two figure out what I'm doing and get behind me. Pretty soon, since the abusers are kept out of the closed lane, the traffic jam is gone.

Yes, I know it's illegal to straddle the lanes. It ought to be illegal to be Nice.

Ask yourself this: if everyone did what I do, which is not to allow others to pass me, what would be the typical result? But when everyone does what they usually do, which is to try to get to the front as soon as possible and then take turns using the single open lane, you know the result: a parking lot.

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