Friday, November 10, 2006

To come to the aid of their country

Friends and neighbors, as you may know, I am not so much a Republican as a conservative, not so much a conservative as a libertarian, and not so much a libertarian as an unapologetic American.

And so it was with wistful disdain that I watched the Republicans cede the majority to the Democrats. Well, not so much the Democrats as the liberals, and not so much the liberals as the subversives, and not so much the subversives as the apologetic Americans.

And so I would now extend the hand of cooperation to the incoming Democratic leadership and to offer my best advice for how to lead the country.

But before I offer my unfettered wisdom in these matters, first let us conduct an overview of just a few of the challenges facing Speaker-in-waiting Nancy Pelosi.

1. There are almost two billion Muslims in the world, and if only one tenth of one percent (0.1%) of them hate the West, Christians, Israel and America enough to die for that cause, that's 2,000,000 potential rock throwers, suicide bombers, and TV news anchors. Luckily, these people hate us only because we don't understand them.

2. In the House, many of the Democrats ran as far to the right as they could plausibly run, using only code words ("social equality", "fighting hatred", etc.) to assure their base while reaching out to conservative voters with all they had. They ran against President Bush and Mark Foley, generally avoiding any actual platform.

3. The netroot ideological base of the Democratic Party was energized in this election largely by extreme distrust of the President. They repeated the charges over and over that President Bush is incompetent, approved torture, wants a theocracy, wants a police state, is a proxy for Big Oil, and cheated in the 2000/2004 elections.

4. Speaker Pelosi has made charges of incompetence, leading the netroots to believe she believes all the same things they do. Many of the Democrat leadership have made similar noises.

5. Because of 3 and 4, it will be very difficult to maintain credibility while assuring the base that working with the President, and not obstructing him, is an honorable activity.

6. Also ecause of 3 and 4, it will be very difficult to avoid impeachment proceedings, and hard not to hold some kind of Iran-Contra-style investigation into everything from the Cheney hunting accident to the Administration's conduct of the war in Iraq.

7. The economy is the worst since the Great Depression, with 4.4% unemployment, spiraling deficits, and inflation at almost measurable levels.

8. The middle class still has to pay taxes, which means they still have to work. This unconscionable state of affairs must be stopped; only the rich should have to work.

Fortunately for the incoming Speaker, I have solutions for all of her difficulties.

1. We must find Osama Bin Laden (how hard can that be?), allegedly responsible for the deaths of 3,000 Americans, and bring him to trial in California Family Court. He could not get a fair trial in New York, and there may even be concerns for his safety there. The trial will offer Americans the chance to learn about his peaceful intentions, and discover that he was really the victim and that it was really all our fault.

2. Since the campaign season led to so many Americans voting for conservative candidates, it's time to show them that their ideas are all wrong.

3. Since Americans uniformly believe with you that the President is the focus of evil in the world, you should channel all of your legislative efforts to protecting them from his incompetence by finally outlawing the torture of American citizens, stamping out Christianity, keeping police in check, taxing and regulating oil production to make it more expensive, and do everything you can to foster distrust in our election process.

4. Trumpet the ideas expressed in DailyKos, MyDD, and firedoglake. Completely ignore the right-wing blogs, which are simply Republican mouthpieces anyway.

5. Work very hard to show that you are in fact leading the country, and that the President is just a figurehead. You will have plenty of backup for this position from the traditional media and netroots.

6. Since the Bush Hearings™ are unavoidable, the best you can do is use them to show how the President was really at the mercy of the right wing nut cases who wanted him to defend our shores against terrorist attacks, convincing him that fighting on the enemy's turf was preferable to losing American cities. That way you get to show that you are now guiding the President, and that your words on the campaign trail should be ignored.

7. Hopefully, the economy will bounce back now that the Democrats have control of the Federal purse, which is the engine that drives the economy. If a few tax increases and minor regulations don't bring the economy back, blame the Republicans.

8. There really isn't much that can be done in the near term to keep the middle class from working. Despite your best efforts, I'm sorry to say, some of them will continue to try to emulate the wealthy, and will even try to hire other desperate people to work as well. Perhaps if the Democrats can win the House, Senate, and Presidency in 2008, laws can be passed to fix that.

I know that isn't everything, but if you keep to the spirit of my advice, I'm sure things will be fine.

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