Monday, February 05, 2007

Global Warming: Blame George

The Wikipedia article on global warming contains a plot of temperature vs. CO2 levels for the last 650,000 years. Now, it isn't my intention to suggest that Wikipedia is either biased or unbiased, in error or authoritative. But that article does raise the question: what other items correlate well to the rise in temperatures over the last several decades?

To the untrained eye, the plot of CO2 and temperature on recent geological time (the last million years -- a geological coffee break) show that temperature changes have actually tended to precede CO2 changes. It's difficult to see how later events cause earlier ones, but fortunately we have scientists and the UCS to explain these things to us.

Over the time period during which we have evidence, even stronger correlates to the apparent spike in global temperature include:

  1. The number of satellites in orbit (None prior to BG 10, but about 4000 in AG 55)
  2. The number of available television channels (None prior to BG 10, but about 500 in AG 55)
  3. The number of descendants of George Foreman (No DGFs before BG 10, but over 10 in AG 55 )

Note: to study this relationship more carefully, the Georgian system of dates was developed by researchers at the Academy. Years were designated "Before George" (BG) or "After George" (AG), with the year G centered on what was formerly known as 1949, when Mr. Foreman was born.

It is clear that the number of satellites in orbit is in a loosely coupled cause-effect loop with the number of cable channels, which has been funded in a small but significant part by George Foreman. His boxing career and infomercials have had a direct effect on the number of pay-per-view channels and all-night cable telecasts. Indirectly these have led to even more cable channels and satellites as a wave of copycats has pushed the acceptance and demand for the technology.

More work is needed to determine the precise relationship between Mr. Foreman and climate change. No experts have even yet been offered grants to study the phenomenon, nor have votes been taken, so no scientific raw data is available. The data that have been compiled may confirm that Mr. Foreman is partially to blame for Global Warming, including increased hurricane activity that may have led to hurricane Katrina decimating New Orleans.

As stunning as these new revelations are, it is equally surprising that a ban on Mr. Foreman's famed grill, at least under laboratory conditions and for the purposes of further study, has not been proposed. It can only be that the combined forces of political correctness and the Bush Administration's intolerance of scientific advancement have suppressed this information.

It would be irresponsible to do nothing, knowing as much as we do. To sit on our hands while the rapidly increasing number of descendants of George increases, causing even more damage to the planet, is not an option. We must act, before history judges us.


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2 comments:

LastKnightErrant said...

As the acolytes of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have discovered, there is an inverse relationship between the Global Average Temperatures and the number of pirates.

Seriously, higher global temperatures is an observable fact. The physics of CO2 concentrations and the "Greenhouse Effect" are well known. The questions are cause and response.

Possible causes:
- Burning of carbon based fuels,
- Destruction of CO2 to O2 converters such as tropical rain forests,
- Increase in the biomass of O2 to CO2 converters such as animal life,
- Changes in the thermodynamics of the Sun,
- Some combination of these and more.

Possible responses:
- Do nothing and hope it goes away,
- Do nothing and leave the mess for a future generation,
- Do nothing until every dot and tittle has been proven beyond any shadow of a doubt (basically the first two),
- Do nothing and wait for the coming of the Great Prophet Zarquon (basically hide your head in a towel and pray),
- Do the best we can as a responsible people to mitigate it by addressing the possible causes we can effect.

A Little Reality

Loren Heal said...

But what if we get it wrong, and the effort and money we expend on mitigating what we think are the causes turn out not to be it at all?

Then, when we finally have the real answer, we won't be able to do what we know then how to do.

And then again, it could all be cyclical, and will fix itself.

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