Global Warming: DECAF is the answer

An emailer to NRO came up with a deceptively simple, but elegantly robust, answer (a direct link to which I cannot find, ht Becker) to the problem of Global Warming.

The warming trend I earlier associated with George Foreman could as easily be a response to Daylight Savings Time. When will we stop the madness, destroying the planet in the name of the almighty dollar? (And don't tell me Daylight Savings Time is designed to save energy, when I know full well it's an oil company plot to deny justice to the middle class).

Now, it has been suggested that adjusting the worldwide calendar to remove the hottest month of the year in the Northern Hemisphere, August, would effectively stem the tide of climate change. Not much happens in the Southern Hemisphere, so we can continue to ignore it. However appealing August's removal is as a stopgap measure, it fails to fully engage the problem.

I think a better solution to the complex problems of climate change and the worldwide decline in respect for socialism would be to simply remove the season of Summer from the calendar entirely.

Now, sophisticated readers will not fail to miss the subtlety here, that the simple hillbilly heuristic that Summer is "when it's hot out" might lead us astray. Subtle comic relief about the Southern hemisphere aside, it must be included in the discussion. After all, the scientific definition is that summer is the period between June 21 to September 21 in the Northern Hemisphere and December 21 to March 21 in the Southern Hemisphere. Therefore, a scientific solution to the problem would require that all of those months be removed from the calendar, else world calendars would become horribly incompatible.

To implement this solution, I call on all civilized countries to donate ONE MILLION ONE BILLION 2 to 5% of their Gross Domestic Product to fully fund the United Nations - Defense of Earth Calendar Action Force (UN-DECAF), which will be temporarily necessary to establish the new calendar.

Some countries which experience Summer year-round, such as Chad and Sudan, may have their calendars eliminated entirely. This may cause some concern in those countries, but they need to join the consensus on this issue. On the other hand, they've never noticed the UN Peacekeeping forces there before, so they probably would ignore them again.

And it bears repeating that we cannot expect the Southern hemisphere simply to fall off the face of the Earth. We must confront climate change directly, even if it means pretending to care what, if anything, happens in the parts of the world with counter-intuitive toilet swirls.

Not only would the new calendar allow us to claim victory over climate change, it would also bring us closer to the barbarian peoples South of the Equator, and empower the United Nations, which is what's important, after all. We must fund DECAF now, before the Earth cools on its own and it's too late.

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