We Apologize for Our Choices

[Edited 2/27/2007 21:00 for smoother flow, which important in a good apology]

Over at Redstate, user TBone, a member of the Cherokee nation, made a formal apology:

I Tbone, without polling anyone that I may even remotely claim to represent, do hereby "profoundly regret" that some other Indians, born in the century before last, to whom I am probably not even related, deprived Custer and a bunch of other people, and the horses they rode in on, of their civil rights to breathe. This apology is directed to those who may or may not be descended from Custer, et al, or to any other person attenuated to the Custer Victimhood Society.

That got me thinking: for what else do we need to apologize? Despite great sorrow, I came up with several things, in the spirit of tolerance and compassion out of which our good friend Tbone has stood up to speak:

We must begin by all apologizing inclusively for the injustices and oppressions for which we are collectively responsible. Perhaps we can come to consensus over some of the many examples, such as:

• We, Americans of American descent, apologize for causing Hurricane Katrina and insisting that the Federal government follow all of its many arcane and oppressive laws when fixing the mess we had made.
• We further apologize for not using our great magical Rovian powers to make New Orleans reappear exactly as it was once it stopped raining.
• We, Americans of Patriotic descent, apologize for shoving down the throats of tiny schoolchoices the horrible, mean-spirited idea that they live in a nation, owe loyalty to it, and should feel anything but shame when its name is mentioned.
• We apologize for having these schoolchoices face the flag and pledge allegiance to a piece of cloth, while mouthing the G-word right there on American soil.
• Since the government owns the country and everyone in it, clearly forcing those poor innocent choices to speak the G-word on American soil is unconstitutional and humiliating for them, which we deeply regret.
• We, Americans of Patriotic descent, further apologize for having a flag in the first place, and for having choices at all when there were other options we could have chosen if only we had asked our school guidance counselor to drive us to the choice doctor (who would have selflessly helped us work with our insurance company to unburden us of our choice).
• We Conservative-Americans also apologize for insisting on lower taxes, which has resulted in enriching millions.
• Clearly, we also need to apologize for not donating all of these ill-gotten gains to the government, its true source and owner.

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